Dear Lord No! 2: Return of the Spam Fic!
by F22wannabe
Summary: Short and light hearted fun that will make you feel better. Isn't that worth the minute it'll take to read?


Dear Lord No! 2: Return of the Spam fic

Ranma ½ Spam fanfics by

F22wannabe

  
  


Disclaimer: I'll probably get killed by angry mobs just for posting this, so it doesn't really matter what I say about ownership of the characters exploited within. They belong to somebody else, and I perverted them (IN A CLEAN WAY! NO HENTAI!!) to suit my purposes. Apologies for any errors, mistakes, or hysteria induced by the following. Any insults to any people are honest mistakes and not meant as such. If I messed up on any names, etc., I again apologize. This was done in an hour and a half, and that was because I had trouble figuring out a third spoof.

Also, if any of these have been done before, I have NOT seen it, so don't scream plagiarism. Email me and I will rectify the problem.

  
  


Now let's get less serious. 

  
  


Episode 1:Invincible Style?

  
  


"I have come to challenge you, Ranma Saotome!" A stereotypical Asian fighter stood angrily in front of said boy. "I have traveled across Japan training and seeking the best fighters to test my skills against. Without exception, I have defeated them all. Perhaps you will provide a challenge?!" 

"Dude, ya don't have to yell! I'm right in fronta ya!"

Akane tugged on Ranma's crimson sleeve. "Something seems odd about him, Ranma."

Ranma squinted his eyes, attempting to see what Akane saw. 

"Do you accept my challenge?" The man's voice was overly loud, and his hands swung through various positions as he talked.

"Now that you mention it," Ranma started, "there is something off..."

"Watch his mouth when he talks," Kuno, up to now elsewhere, suggested, as he appeared from elsewhere. "Have no doubts, he is mighty!"

"Ah! You recognize my skill. It is not often when another fighter recognizes his superior!" The man bowed, flourishing the too long sash waving in the breeze behind him.

Kuno returned the gesture. "I have no hopes of defeating one such as him. I must go find the pig-tailed goddess and ask her to console me!"

"Uh... Sure, Kuno. See ya later." Ranma dumbly waved goodbye.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The man laughed. "That boy amused me; I'll laugh again!" He did.

"My God! His mouth isn't moving in time with his words!" Akane exclaimed.

The man, startled out of his laughter, motioned dramatically. "So you have finally figured it out." The sounds paused, yet his lips continued moving. "Are you ready to fight, silly fool of an idiot?"

"What kinda martial artist are you?!" Ranma demanded.

"I am Chow Lee, of the Bad Film Script and Dub school, and you cannot hope to defeat me!" He swept through a series of stances, ending with a twenty foot jump that landed in the Karate Kid position. "Whaaaaa!"

Ranma, unable to take it anymore, beat the man silly. He turned away from the bloodied man, and was stomping away when the man called out to him. 

Ranma couldn't believe it! The stupid guy had gotten up!

So Ranma beat him again. Dramatic music burst into the air. The man precariously raised himself off the ground, balancing the keyboard on his good hand and pecking the keys rapidly with his nose. "I shall not be defeated by you! Not when I have the ultimate power on my side! The power of blind faith!" He limped at Ranma in a dramatic charge.

Ranma would have just let the man live, but that last comment deserved death. Wiping the sweat off his brow, he turned to Akane, speaking the only thoughts on his mind. "Ya know, after Saffron, we just can't find any good villains of the week." 

She nodded in wholehearted agreement.

  
  
  
  


Episode 2: Forcing Yourself Upon Another.

  
  


Ranma ran. It was all she could do. Yet no matter how fast she ran, the ominous breathing was always right behind her. She turned left at another T intersection, feet pounding on the metal grate floors.

She darted glances over her shoulder, trying to see her pursuer. He could have been in any of the shadows; there was hardly any lighting down here. She turned right, pausing only to open the metal door via sheer terror induced strength. 

The breathing was getting closer.

"Dammit!" she screamed. She had run out onto a bridge that only went half way across the divide. "Who builds a bridge that doesn't go all the way across?!" She moved to go back through the door, but he was there. 

He took a slow step forward. 

She took a similar one back.

He took another, and so did she.

He took another, and so did she.

He took another, and so did she. 

He took another, and so did she. 

He took another, and so did she. 

He took another, and so did she. 

He took another, and so did she. She finally backed into the railing at the end of the bridge that went nowhere. She peered over her shoulder and saw no bottom to the metal chasm. She locked onto the spear like projection off the end of the bridge, slipped under the railing and scooted carefully to the very tip, promising herself she would jump the moment he tried to join her. 

"Ranma," he hissed. "You must accept," he paused to breathe in, "your destiny." He breathed out. "Ranma! I," he breathed in again, a heavy, rasping noise, "am your Fiancé!"

Ranma screamed the scream of the Damned.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Episode 3: Bounce

  
  


The freedom of flight! Too long since he had last felt the grip of gravity fade, and the caress of the air in his hair. He performed a leisurely flip and twist in celebration. He knew few mortals ever got the chance to embrace the sky as he did, and yet, he did have some regrets about his mode of travel.

Namely, that mallet hurt like hell!

He reached the top of his arc, and began his descent. He rotated to land feet first, only to be hit by a migrating duck and spin out of control to land face first on the asphalt. Then into the asphalt, stopping halfway through the water main.

Pulling herself out of the rapidly hydrating hole, she brushed her matted locks out of her eyes. In front of her, she found inspiration. She strode into the store, leaving a half hour later with full hands.

***

"What the hell is up with Ranma?" Ukyo asked Akane at school the following day. "He keeps cackling to himself. And did you see what he carried in with him this morning?"

"As if you wouldn't know!" Akane barked. "You probably gave it to him, trying to encourage his perverted thoughts!"

"I most certainly did not!" Ukyo huffed and spun around, marching off in anger.

"Nihao!" Shampoo greeted Ranma with a boisterous and personal hug of love. 

"You pervert!" Akane pulled out the mallet and wound up.

Akane swung, eyes closed, putting all her effort into the swing. With her eyes closed, she missed the Amaguriken speed movements of Ranma, repositioning something.

She opened her eyes to see Ranma flying into the distance, yelling about how uncute tomboys were, though she could swear that today it lacked animosity.

***

Ranma rotated in mid air, hugging his new best friend tightly to his chest. He saw his landing spot approach, a deserted lot near some factory. He landed softly, in three bounces, atop his uncomparably great and wondrous friend! 

He snuggled it, running his hand over the large tag sown at the top.

"Serta, you definitely build the world's best mattresses!"

  
  
  
  
  
  


THE END

  
  
  
  


Author's notes:

And you thought, after so much time, I wouldn't return! Fools! I was merely pooling my evil resources until I could unleash this terror upon you all! 

In case you didn't get it, the first one is a spoof of bad dubbed martial arts films. The second had Darth Vader of Star Wars as Ranma's fiancé, spoofing the dramatic scene where Luke found out Vader was his father. The third is a lesson in the value of good cushioning, and why you should buy brand name products! And I didn't get paid for the second half of that sentence, honest!

That being said, I'd like to invite you to my website, www.flamingwreckage.8m.com

You'll find all my fics there! And I'm working (with the mighty speed of a glacier) on all of them. If you want, you can email me at F22wannabe@aol.com. Be sure to put the fic title in the header, or it will be deleted!

  
  


"If you work together, you'll get half of it done in half the time."

- my Biology Lab Professor

(My friends didn't get it right off. If it takes you, by yourself, all of a lab to do something, then it does you no good to do the lab with a partner if you still only get half of it done in half the time you are given. Very literal translation, but it struck me as funny when I heard it.)


End file.
